If You Were Mine

DISCLAIMER: Mass Effect and everything you recognize from its universe belongs to BioWare. Everything else is my vivid imagination's work.

AN: This is a side project from my other two main stories: Losing What We Never Had and Just To See You Again. Figured I'd write this to exercise my imagination a little to help finish my main stories. Hope you enjoy. Please R&R!

~Elmjuniper

WHATEVER WE USED TO BE

"PERMISSION DENIED, WILLIAMS," THE COMMANDER lifted her hands before Ashley had a chance to protest. "Hear me out, Ash. You need to lead. What happened back there with Udina proves it. You need to command your own squad. I've seen you in action and you're a damn fine soldier and with Hackett's resources there are so many good things you accomplish."

Ashley let out a frustrated scoff. "With all due respect, ma'am I think it's bullshit I get railroaded out of here. Back there didn't prove anything but the fact that I was almost manipulated by a lying and maybe indoctrinated politician and I waved a gun at my commanding officer!"

Haze smiled. "All the more reason you should have your own team."

If she was the typical girl she would have cried with anger, maybe even stomped her foot in frustration. But being Ashley Williams she had to settle for shaking her head AND controlling the urge to beat some sense in to her now former commander.

"Ok," she said resolutely not meeting Haze's eyes before pushing past her. "Good luck out there." It didn't sound as genuine as she had meant it, but she doubted the commander would even care. What had she expected anyway? She had questioned the commander from the very moment she saw her again. How could she not question Haze? Haze had worked with and been revived by Cerberus. How could she know Haze was really herself? How could she know that Haze was still the woman she had fallen in love with? Not that it actually mattered anymore. She groaned in frustration as she let her feet steer her towards the Purgatory. I can't believe she didn't want me back on the Normandy!

The Purgatory was, as always, filled with club goers full of expectations. Ashley snorted to herself as she looked around the bar area. How could these people be so calm and waste their precious time in here when the galaxy stood at the brink of destruction?

She stared into the glass of quarian liquor. A purple swirl twisted its way from the bottom of the glass to the surface, breaking and rippling it inaudibly. Ten minutes in Shepard's presence and she already felt drawn back in. She thought she had moved on. She shook her head ruefully. No, she knew she hadn't moved on, she just tried to tell herself that she had. Haze had died. She had seen her die, strapped into to the seat of their safety pod. There had been nothing she could do, but to watch the commander shoot out from the explosion like a ragdoll. She could still remember seeing Haze grab at the back of her suit in shock moments before her death. Haze had died. Right in front of her eyes. She had hid her face in her hands and cried for the first time since she was a young girl.

The coming months had been torture. It had seemed like a cruel joke. To find someone you loved just to have that ripped away from you moments later. It had broken her heart. A heart she had thought she didn't really have. Before Haze there hadn't really been time for matters of the heart. She had worked so hard to earn her rank in the Alliance. But then the great Commander Shepard had stumbled into her life and for a while it seemed that they had it all. The friendship, the intimacy and the trust.

She trusted Haze with anything and everything. Haze was the one who had made her see that she didn't have to kill herself to prove she wasn't like her grandfather. To prove she had earned the right to be called gunnery-chief. People in the Alliance had always expected her to do a runner -do a Williams- and she had had to work hard to prove her own worth, at times at the cost of her own integrity.

She knew she was quick-tempered and at times aggressive, but Haze seemed to have a good influence on that side of her. Granted she still flared up easily and her bluntness hadn't worn off, but with Haze it hadn't mattered. With Haze she could be the girl that threatened to knock your lights out should you do her wrong and in truth that was the only kind of girl Ashley knew how to be. Haze had taught her that she could still prove herself and stand up for what she believed in –even if that was some strange guy in the sky. That thought had helped her through the first year. She had prayed every night before bed, her faith strengthened and renewed and whenever she felt like the emptiness the commander had left was too much to bear so would take comfort in the words of Tennyson.

Then Haze had returned from the dead. She hadn't believed it when she first read the reports. It couldn't be. Haze was dead and gone and she had been so for two years. If Haze was back she would have contacted her. It felt like a slap in the face when she walked up to the Alliance defense system on Horizon to see Haze standing there with the Cerberus informant and a heavily tattooed woman. She felt angry and betrayed. Why hadn't the commander contacted her? Did she mean so little to Haze that she couldn't even be bothered to explain things to her? Explain why she was with a terrorist group like Cerberus. As always Ashley's temper had got the better of her and they had parted on worse than bad terms and when she had finally calmed down and realized things were a lot more complicated it had been too late. Two years was a long time and they were both different now.

She had just gotten back on her feet and started seeing Gavin at the time. Granted Gavin wasn't exactly someone she could see herself spend a lifetime with, but he was a good man, a nice military man that reminded her of her father. He was good enough to settle for besides later on she found out that Haze had moved on as well. She scoffed at the thought of the Cerberus woman she had seen on Horizon –Miranda Lawson. The way Ms. Lawson held herself emitted an almost arrogant pride. Despite not being much taller than herself Miranda's head held high and icy glare made it appear as if she looked down at her from where she stood dressed in the black skin-tight jump suit. Clearly whatever they had been once didn't matter to either of them anymore. She raised her glass in a silent toast, downing its content.

"Ugh!" The bitter liquor burned in her mouth and she shook her head. "Disgusting..." She muttered though grateful for the warm, fuzzy effect it had on her stomach. A few more of these and she could stop thinking of Haze, missed opportunities and things that would never happen anyway.

"Rough day?"

She motioned at the barkeep to refill her glass before she turned around. "Liara?"

The asari gave her a curt nod, settling down next to her. "Thought I might find you here."

"Are you implying bars are the only places I hang out at?" She frowned at Liara.

"No, but you never were one to turn down a drink when trouble knocks on the door," Liara said as she turned to face her, glass in her hand.

"I suppose not..." Was she really that predictable?

"Moping, Ash? Really? Don't seem like the Ash I once knew."

"What are you talking about?" She raised her glass, but before she could empty it the asari's nimble hand cover it forcing her to lower it.

"Ashley, do you remember when we first met?" Liara asked, a coy smile playing on her lips.

"You mean back when I was kind of a bitch to you and threatened to beat you up?"

Liara chuckled, nodding her head as if reminiscing those days. "Exactly. Do you remember why?"

Ashley made a wry face. She remembered exactly why. "Because I thought Haze was interested in you."

"So why haven't you chased down and beat up Ms. Lawson yet?"

She let out a snort in disbelief. "Miss Swimsuit Contest? She's not worth my-"

"Ah, Chief Williams is scared again."

"Eh, lieutenant," she corrected the asari. "And I'm not! It's just, we don't, I...Haze..." She fell silent with a sigh unable to think up a good argument.

"You know," Liara smiled. "When we charged the Citadel to take down Saren, you just threw yourself out of that horrible mako –goddess forbid Haze ever gets her hands on another one- no questions asked. If anything that should be scary."

"That's different," she protested. "I understand the battle. I know how to drill an enemy between the eyes from a hundred meters away, that's what I've trained for."

"But this has no rules, no manuals and you don't know how to navigate this with your gut. So you run."

"Yeah, well, what do you know?" she muttered staring down at her glass.

"I know that given your chance I wouldn't run from it."

Ashley lifted her face. There was something about the asari's expression, the melancholy in her eyes that used to be filled with such wonder all the time. What happened to you? The innocence was gone, evaporated like a drop of water in the dessert. Despite that something in Liara's voice sounded different from that hardened broker she had become. Did she still have feelings for Haze?

"These might interest you." Liara slid the thin data chip over to where her hand rested on the bar disk.

"What is that?"

"You can thank me later, Ash." Liara said, getting up from the bar stool turning to leave. "Oh, and one more thing."

"What?"

"You're a spectre now, Williams. You can do things no ordinary soldier can do. Say, disobey a commander's order." She raised her glass, giving her a nod before downing the liquor then she disappeared into the crowded dance floor and was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~

"What the hell are you doing here? Did I not explain my reasons for denying you permission to board the Normandy?"

"You did. Very well and I agree," the brunette said standing a little straighter.

"Then why are you back?" Haze asked sounding more curious than annoyed. She gritted her teeth hoping the lieutenant didn't pick up on that.

"With all due respect ma'am; I'm here to keep your ass alive. We lose you we lose everything. So I will board the Normandy." There was a pause before Ashley opened her mouth to speak again. "Spectre authority."

She grinned inwardly. When they first had met Ashley had indeed held her own, but she had still been insecure and uncertain that she deserved the title of gunnery-chief. The woman standing before her did not even blink. You've come a long way, Ash. Damn it... "You make a fair argument." She sighed in defeat. "Find yourself a bunker and get ready to ship out."

The lieutenant tried –and failed miserably- to hide the smile creeping on to her plump lips.

"But, Williams. Remember, you're under my command once you're aboard. That means you will follow orders."

"So long as it's not to leave the Normandy for good." Ashley didn't flinch.

She gave the lieutenant a curt nod before she turned to walk back on to the bridge. Hesitating she pulled to a stop, turning around. "And, Ash?"

"Yes?"

"It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back."

She turned her back to Ashley trying to look as if she wasn't affected by the lieutenant's presence. Truth be told it bothered her more than she would like to admit.

They had met when she served as Anderson's XO on the first Normandy. Haze shook her head as she walked up to her private terminal. How long ago was it? Two years? No, three, perhaps four? Ashley had been everything she disliked in a person; a narrow minded, poet-spewing bible thumper with a feisty short temper. They had butted heads more than once during their first year working together. Until Haze had realized that behind the poetry and firm belief in some spirit in the sky stood a woman who was still trying to find her place in this vast galaxy. And suddenly she started to admire the soldier for keeping her faith in God during times like these when it was so easy to turn to science to explain and sometimes defend one's decisions. Ashley followed a code, a sense of fresh morality Haze hadn't seen in many of her other comrades.

Haze looked out across the CIC from where she stood. Parts of her still found it ridiculous that this beauty for a ship was hers. Growing up in the slums of Hackney Downs hardly let you imagine these things. It left most children and adults without dreams. On the streets you didn't have time to dream if you wanted to survive. If you weren't crawling the old subway system –or the Maze as the rats called them- then you weren't doing it right. The Maze was just like it sounded, a large maze of tunnels that run underneath the city, treasures hidden all over the old subway system and there were buyers for most scrap you could find in the abandoned tunnels.

When you grew up in the streets you learned two things. Stay alive and always have your own back. Needless to say it made the rats selfish. No one else was going to save you but yourself. There was no in-between, no grey areas. There were only black and white, death or life, starve or eat, kill or get killed. She did whatever it took to get the job done because that was the only way she knew how to do it. Survival at all costs. And that's why people called her the Butcher of Torfan.

Haze lowered her gaze. At the time it seemed the sensible thing to do. Kill them all. She had burned with lust for vengeance and with such passionate hatred for the batarians after the Blitz that there would only ever be one outcome in that battle. Not one batarian would come out alive from Torfan. She had sacrificed countless of Alliance soldiers to wipe out every single batarian. Mercenaries, women, children, none must live. It was necessary. The means justified the ends. If they hadn't showed the rest of the galaxy what they were capable of raids like the Blitz would keep affecting the smaller colonies. A few lives for the many. It made sense, at least at the time.

Anderson had once said it would be the one thing to stand in her way of immortality. He had always said how she was meant for something great, but no one would follow a bully or tyrant no matter how much they threatened or cajoled. At the time she hadn't understood what he meant, but where she stood she wondered if he had some weird sixth sense.

Ashley had taught her to see the grey in-between. The soldier who had so openly resented and mistrusted the aliens had changed during their time on the Normandy. She no longer scowled at the aliens aboard and Ashley had even admitted to liking the Krogan who had earned her respect in battle. Seeing the change in the other woman made Haze believe that perhaps there was redemption for her as well. Maybe she could change, be a better person. And so admiration and friendship had eventually turned into something else. Something completely new. There had been other girls, but none she ever came to care about. It was too difficult to open up to a stranger, but with Ashley it felt just as natural to her as the feel of the Carnifex's slick grip in her hand during battle. Perhaps because the brass had been just as important to Ash as it had been for Haze. They knew the commitment it craved and the discipline it took to come out alive and fairly uninjured from the battlefield.

Haze sighed. It was typical, wasn't it? Falling for the one girl she could never have. The religious by-the-book girl, but much to her surprise Ashley had felt the same. It was all new for both of them. For her because she had never let anyone close enough and for Ash because she had never been in love with a woman. Baby steps, they had agreed to which had meant stolen moments spent in Haze's cabin whenever work didn't take up their time. One of those stolen moments was that night before Ilos. Haze pushed the memory away. Ashley had found her match in someone else anyway.

Gavin Crossdale. Oh, yes, the perfect solider. Head of Alliance terminus surveillance team with a clean record and a highly regarded family within the Alliance. If there was ever talk about pure bloods in the military there would be a picture of him next to the definition. He was as perfect as it could get. He didn't shoot batarians between the eyes just for having a bad day and he didn't threaten people to get information out of them and most importantly he wasn't a she.

She felt a light touch on her shoulder and turned around to see her comm specialist look at her.

"Are you alright, Commander?"

"Yes, specialist. What is it you want?" She snapped irritably.

The specialist fidgeted under her glare and she took a deep breath before speaking again. "I'm sorry, I was caught up in some work. Can we start this conversation again?" There was no need to take her feelings out on the specialist. Samantha was ambitious and clever, Haze needed her to perform at her best, making her jumpy and nervous with her usual stern personality wouldn't help them.

"Hello, specialist, how can I help?"

Samantha smiled a subtle blush working its way across her cheeks. "I was actually going to ask you that question, Commander. It seems things got a bit intense back on the Citadel."

"That obvious, huh?" Haze snorted.

"Kind of." Samantha smiled relaxing a bit. "Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone the great Commander Shepard has bad days."

Haze chuckled. "I appreciate that, Traynor."

"Well, if you have any downtime tonight there's this bar on our ship and some of us have a few hours to spare. If you want to you could..." Samantha hesitated before continuing. "Join us."

Haze narrowed her eyes. Join them. That didn't sound like an awful idea. She missed the evenings she had spent with Miranda and the rest of the crew she worked with a few months earlier. She chortled mentally. Miranda had helped her relax alright and the rest of the crew had become the closest thing she had ever had to a family.

"Ok, why the hell not," she said. "We've got a day before we get to Sanctum anyway."

"Ok, perfect. Maybe I won't have to spend the night getting beaten by EDI in chess then," Traynor said.

"You play chess?" She hadn't expected this. Samantha seemed like a fun person, chess wasn't usually what Haze associated with fun.

"I play a lot of strategy games, but I prefer chess. It's something about the feel of something solid in your hands."

"That's kind of old school, Traynor."

"Well, everything wasn't meant to be GUI interfaced, Commander. Believe it or not." The specialist laughed.

"I'll be sure to remind you of that when your keyboard suddenly breaks down and you're stuck with those old solid ones," Haze teased. "So I take it EDI is impossible to beat?"

"Only because she can calculate the smartest move in a matter of seconds."

"I can, but I do not. I try to give you a fair chance, Specialist," EDI stated above their heads.

"She doesn't even sweat," Traynor muttered looking slightly disappointed.

"You sweat when you play chess?" Haze asked frowning.

"It depends on how much fun I'm having." A sly smile played on the specialist's lips.

" Well, when you put it that way we might have to try a game."

"I'll be sure to pencil you in for a later date," the specialist said eyes locking with Haze's.

Haze watched Samantha return to her station before she shook her head. "Come on, Haze. Don't even go there," she muttered as she headed for the elevator. She should pick up her Carnifex from Garrus to check the new calibrations he had done for her.

She scratched the nape of her neck where she stood waiting for the elevator. A beer or two with the rest of the crew didn't sound like a bad idea. What was the worst that could happen?

~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~

"Hey, Skipper." The brunette soldier called out as she walked towards Haze with determined steps, a sultry smile on her lips.

"Ash...Are we a little tipsy?" She asked, quirking her eyebrow in amusement.

"What if I am?" Ashley asked in defiance pulling to a stop in front of her where she stood in the corner of the Starboard lounge.

Haze chuckled at the intoxicated lieutenant commander. Ashley reminded her of a small town's drunken spinster. Her chuckle caught in her throat when two hands snaked around her neck, burying themselves in her hair as Ashley pressed herself close.

"Uh...Ash?"

"Don't act all coy with me, Skipper. I see the way you look at me," Ashley purred as she backed Haze up against the solid wall of the Normandy.

"I don't...Look..."

"No, Commander?" Ashley raised an eyebrow her lips curling into a mischievous smile. She leaned in closer her lips brushing against Haze's check as she purred into her ear. "Then how come you haven't shot me down with your powerful biotics yet? And...Care to explain what your hands are doing on my hips?"

"Huh?" Looking down she realized her hands were grabbing Ashley's hips, keeping her firmly in place. The brunette let out a lustful chortle her hot breath caressing the exposed skin on Haze's neck. She felt a pleasurable tingle creep up her spine and she groaned inwardly at the situation she found herself in. Ashley Williams was quite literally throwing herself at her. The same woman who had accused her of working for the enemy on Horizon, telling Haze she had betrayed her.

"Williams, I think you should probably drink some water and head back to our quarters."

"Are you sure that's what you really want?"

No! I really, really want to grab you by the hair and lick my way down your-

Silky, moist lips pressed themselves against hers, eagerly nipping at her lips. She broke off the kiss dazed from alcohol and arousal laughing nervously.

"Ok. I'm going to take you back to your quarters now."

"Mmm, yes, ma'am," Ashley murmured salaciously, brown eyes sparkling.

"No. Not like that," she gritted through her teeth as she slid her arm around the lieutenant's waist steering her across the walkway towards her quarters. Ashley sighed leaning her head against her shoulder.

"Wow, the floor is really spinning."

Haze chuckled. "I'm not surprised."

"This is my room, Commander," Ashley said matter-of-factly as she blinked in what seemed to be an attempt to focus her eyes.

"That's very perceptive of you. No wonder they made you the second human spectre." Haze grinned back at her. Ashley snorted loudly, swaying where she stood.

"Get changed and go to bed. I will check on you in the morn- no! What are you-?" Haze sighed as she looked at the woman sprawled out on the floor.

"You said 'go to bed'," Ashley murmured where she lay.

"So why are you on the floor?"

"I am?" The lieutenant lifted her head looking bewildered. "Oh..."

"Come here." Haze helped the drunken soldier up walking her over to the bed. "Let's get you out of that jacket and the boots."

"Boots are stuck. Stuck to pants..."

Of course they are. "Well, can you do it yourself?"

Ashley huffed indignantly. "Of course I can. I'm a big girl, Skipper."

She watched in amusement how Ashley struggled with her jacket, pulling at the arms helplessly. Shaking her head she reached out with her hands and unzipped the jacket. She ignored the sight of silky skin and smooth ridges of Ashley's collarbones. Pulling it off softly she folded it neatly before placing it on the leather sofa behind her.

"Boots."

She swallowed her throat feeling dry. "Sure." She peeled off the trousers that wrapped themselves like a second layer of skin around Ashley's well-toned legs. Ashley's skin seemed to burn like fire underneath her fingertips and she cleared her dry throat, keeping her eyes on the boots the whole time. She motioned for the lieutenant to sit down on the bed as she pulled them off.

"There, all done," she said moving to stand up when Ashley's hands placed themselves on her cheeks, cupping her face gently.

"Undressed by the great commander Shepard."

"Ash..." She place her hands on Ashley's wrists. "I understand that there are a lot of things going and that, you know, we could all die tomorrow and all that, but...I don't want to be the comfort for the moment. I don't want to be just another pair of strong arms."

"Another pair of strong arms? If I wanted that I'd go for the hulk in our cargo bay."

She tried not to wince at the words. The thought that Ashley would be interested in Vega, alpha male of the alpha males, stung more than what she would have liked for it to.

"You're with lieutenant Crossdale. This isn't like you."

"We had something once. Something real."

"No, we had few months, we barely know each other. We had fun, then things turned a little bad when I died."

The lieutenant seemed to sober up at this.

"That was a lifetime back though –quite literally- and it's all good. We're friends now. That's fine." She almost believed herself where she squatted staring into those brown orbs. "Now go to sleep. That's an order."

Ashley snorted, but fell back on to the bed nonetheless. She opened her mouth to speak, but Haze cut her off.

"I mean it, LT. Joker will be singing the morning song at seven-hundred hours sharp."

"I'll give you anything for you not to let him."

"Four-thousand credits? I need to upgrade my omni-tool."

"You're a damn space pirate," Ashley groaned in dismay.

"I could just wake you up by throwing you into a cold shower."

"I hate you."

"I hate you..?"

"Ma'am."

Haze chuckled turning to leave. "See you in the morning, Williams."

~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~~·~

Coffee, she needed coffee. This day had been too long and too absurd. Coffee and some well-earned rest. Rounding the corner she saw a familiar figure standing by the coffee machine.

"Traynor?"

The specialist turned around looking surprised. "Oh, Commander. I thought you had gone with...err...Lieutenant Williams."

"Well someone needed to help her get to bed," she shrugged as she leant over to grab a mug.

"I suppose she wasn't really at her best," Samantha agreed before asking casually. "So, is the night still young or is the Commander going to bed?"

Haze quirked an eyebrow at the question. "Why, you want to join me?"

"W-what? No! I mean, I, I that's not what I meant. I only asked because-"

"Relax, Traynor. I was joking." She lifted the mug to her lips hiding her grin.

"You are terrible, Commander. I was wondering if you were perhaps interested in a game of chess? I bought this new GUI interfaced board on the Citadel and was thinking we could break it in."

"Are you going to sweat?"

"Only if you make me."

"Ok, Traynor. You're on, but I warn you I never play fair."

"But do you play nicely?"

"It happens."

"I think I will take my chances, Commander."

"Very well, then my cabin it is."

<b<TO BE CONTINUED...</b>